I think I’m owed some royalties in return for the humiliation I suffered during these Jack Link’s Jerky commercials. I’d even take my payment in jerky. Is it made from real human?
Nobody puts yeti in a corner.
I already sulk all day. Think I’m gonna do something different in Time Out? And you wonder why yeti don’t want to hang out with humans. Don’t punish me for being beautiful…or for scaring the neighborhood kids. I know the soft, silky, perfectly coiffed coat of hair is deceiving, but I’m a yeti, not a freakin’ labradoodle. I BITE HARD!
Eat your heart out Pippa Middleton. You could have had this yeti. You could have had it all. We could have been something. Something real. Something beautiful. I was even going to build you a treehouse with a red carpet. But now that you are one step removed from royalty, I guess that isn’t good enough. Well, I found a suitable replacement. She is slim, fair-haired, and doesn’t talk back with a funny accent. You can keep your fish and chips. Well … maybe just the chips.
Warning: If you find a yeti at the bottom of your bottle or glass of tequila, don’t eat him. He is not hallucinogenic.
Plus, he may be practicing to be the yeti equivalent of David Blaine. Yeti women dig magi.
Yeti are known for having a sweet fang.
Uhhh, glass may be able to keep the Bronx Zoo cobra in (sometimes), but it sure as hell can’t keep me out when cupcakes are involved.
Gigi’s Cupcakes, did you notice a Kentucky Bourbon Pie cupcake missing? I thought it was turtle pie, but then realized upon biting into it … that there were no chunks of turtle. You can imagine my initial surprise.
But for human food, it was pretty stinkin’ good. Sorry about any hair I left layin’ around.
I travel a bit. And I get to see some pretty cool sites.
I have scale some of the world’s most respected landmarks, like the Eiffel Tower (La Tour Eiffel if you speak the French yeti language of love).
And I have braved some of the world’s most treacherous and challenging mountains, like Camelback in Phoenix.
I’m probably the most well-rounded yeti you’ll ever meet. I’ve seen harrier, but it’s a big misconception that yeti should be judged according to the mass and texture of their locks. We have good personalities too.
How do you evaluate the yetis you’ve met?
So I’m on a flight, ‘cause I’m a yeti in-demand and someone needs me somewhere. I’m flippin’ through the SkyMall catalog, and you know they have got all sorts o’ sweet products, like the Dog Orthopedic Comfy Couch, which also is recommended by 7 out of 9 yeti by the way, the Basho the Sumo Wrestler Table (cause I’m all zen and it reminds me of my human), and the Wonder Woman Cuff Bracelet, cause THAT’S HOT!
And then I come across the handsomest damn yeti I ever done seen. And I say, out loud, “Damn, that’s the handsomest yeti I ever done seen.” And this young skater punk sitting next to me says, “Isn’t that you?”
My first instinct is to eat his face, but he was all greasy and zitty - greasy isn’t so bad, but raw greasy is iffy. Zitty is never good. Plus, he didn’t hog the armrest. And he was right. It was me! Damn I’m handsome.
So I asked my human to pick me up a book. Because I’m one of those bibliophilic yeti. And this is what he gets me? I’m a freakin’ yeti dude! What could this snail eat that could possibly make him wild? We clearly have one oxymoron and one moron. Unless the snail eats an entire pig (over the course of several months or years I presume). Or a chupacabra. Now we’re talking about a real book.
Which begs the question: Why hasn’t anyone written a book about the sound of a tame yeti eating?
Even though I live in the woods, don’t have access to the mythical “Internets,” and carry one of those first-generation cell phones that requires two hands to hold, I am freakin’ social, for a yeti. So social media is probably easy.
I jumped at the chance to serve on the SXSW panel “Social Media for Social Good - How digital charity is changing our world.” I joined an esteemed panel consisting of:
Claire Diaz-Ortiz - Twitter
Ramya Raghavan - YouTube
Jake Furst - Foursquare
Charles Porch - Facebook
Petri Darby - Make-A-Wish Foundation of America
Beverly Robertson - March of Dimes
I couldn’t believe how many humans were willing to get up for a 9:30 a.m. session. I stayed long after to paw autographs, give big hairy hugs to weeping girls, and do a little karaoke - my personal fav, Rupert Holmes’s the “Piña Colada Song.”
Go ahead, laugh. I’ll freakin’ eat your face. And your cat’s. Mmmmm cat.
